Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
