I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
