he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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