Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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