Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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