Umm I'm too high to move.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
