I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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