Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
