i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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