I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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