I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
