I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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