if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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