I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
