First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
