Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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