There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
