so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
