So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My hand turned me down
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
