I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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