Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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