I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize