You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
