Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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