goodnight i made you a song goodbye
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
