I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
