what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
