Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
