saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
