God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
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