My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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