He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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