True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
