I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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