Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
