god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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