the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if only i could text you this smell
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?