I wanna bring you to show and tell
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
