I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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