Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
