fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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