It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
