Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
