Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.