I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.