Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
