I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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