It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
And then the night went full on bisexual.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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