Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
