She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
we're so committed to being not committed
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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