I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
