I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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