the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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