Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?