Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.