So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
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It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
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No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.