You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Swine flu is the new snow day.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
