My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
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I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
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I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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